Funny Status Messages
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If there was no collusion, then there wouldn't be any obstruction of justice... 
In this world, there are beings who consider you their universe. Okay, they're dust mites and they live on your eyebrows, but so?
Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?
Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.
It doesn't actually bother me much that I'll keep forgetting to write 2020 on my checks. What does bother me, is that it's 2020 and I'm still writing checks.
Has a 24 pack of Charmin Extra Soft. Willing to trade for a bottle of Imodium A-D.
Mexico is reconsidering building the wall for the sole purpose of keeping out New Yorkers.
I’m building a wall around Facebook and Your all going to pay for it
Atheists, spending all their negative energy and life talking about God until they become plant food. What a waste
well, who ya voting for, donald trump or isis' supreme leader?
Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.....and who said statistics don't have a beginning, middle, and end.
not saying my ex was dumb, but she poured the Frosted Flakes on the dining room table because she thought it was a tiger puzzle...
Now that people are posting what Organ donors they are on FB, I am going to friend all the Liver Donors..- Good to keep drinking:)
My girfriend's a h00ker with an IQ of 178. What a f**king know-it-all.
Saw a lady walking her son through my neighborhood on a leash, so naturally I asked if I could pet him.
valentine's day is just another pointless day, why do we celebrate it when its really about st.valentine gettin brutally murdered its abit like easter were the hell do chocolate eggs an rabbits come into things when its about jesus????
My inflate a date wasnt so bad....I didnt have to cuddle.
The wife doesn't like the term "fingerbang" so I said I wouldn't call it that anymore. Now I say digitblasting, she don't like that either.
My niece just made an "L" on her forehead with her thumb and index finger and directed it toward me. She has obviously invented a new word..."LAWESOME!"
Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst. 