Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you thought Han Solo was cool you should see his brother Guitar

   Just a friendly reminder. Trump's fiscal year starts when?.... October.

   Not to be outdone. Caitlyn Jenner announces it is pregnant!

   Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs

   Moron is more of a complement, compare to the other terms people use.

   The ocean is so deep that most people can't fathom it.

   My dog Max has a problem with chasing people on a bike. It finially reached a point yesterday where I had to take his bike away.

   Yeah, the coach doing cocaine makes the NFL look so innocent huh libtards?

   I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.

   Mclovin' it.

   Obama: I like Coke. Fox News: Obama has declared war on Pepsi.

   I just wanted to let everyone to know - yesterday I received my Obama stimulus package for 2010. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon!

   Who else thinks the U.S. Marine jailed in Mexico would be getting a lot more attention from the U.S. government if he looked like Obama's son...if he had a son?

   Today is Independence Day. The day when Americans show their deepest gratitude to Will Smith and remember all the men, woman and children killed in that horrific alien invasion.

   Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

   Almost time for the "Teleprompters State of the union speech".

   Hey Muslims, if you want 72 virgins just go to your local cinema today for a Twilight showing and you'll have plenty to choose from.

   If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? America!

   This leftist boycott of Chick FiL A is the first actual economic stimulus of the Obama era........