Funny Status Messages
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Glad I'm not Spiderman cause I'd probably just make lots of web hammocks and take lots of naps. 
Psychos who stop at roundabouts when there’s no one coming; stop. I mean go.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good
its never too late to go back to bed.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children. Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."
Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know... A Couples Retweet
I don't have a nervous system. I *am* a nervous system.
I used to be a hipster, before it became trendy.
If you don't hold your breath when the microwave is counting down we can't be friends
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock] scooby: RIVORCE???
*first day as an accountant* me: so where are the ants?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond* Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
After further investigation, it was determined that Kevin Hart’s booster seat was not fastened correctly.
I went to KFC yesterday and when I was done licking my fingers, I offered to lick other peoples fingers. Long story short. I need bail money.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells 'who arted' and I feel I failed as I should've thought of that joke
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve. 