Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People should be tested for emissions. They’re exhausting.

   If you’re single and starting to feel a little sad about Valentines day just remember that Saint Valentine was beaten, thrown in prison then beheaded and all candy will be 50% off the next day.

   Just helping someone find the chocolates I ate yesterday!

   Back in the day, kids drank and smoked pot behind their parents back, now they get vaccinated...

   Happy Alentine's Ay for those of you not getting the V or the D today!

   Yes, I'm a chick magnet. The problem is, I'm the side that repels. FML.

   Rain rain go away so I don't waste all my time staring at Facebook all day.

   My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I gave her the glue stick by mistake. She's still not talking to me...

   My kids can worship Satan all they want as long as they don’t listen to nickelback

   I went on a cycling holiday last year, and it was exhausting! If I do it again I think I'm going for a smaller caravan!

   If confidence is shamelessly wearing your pyjamas in public at the grocery store, then yes, I am confident.

   When I die I hope my life doesn't really flash before my eyes. There is some $h!t from my past I'd rather not see again.

   If walls work. Then tell that to the Kool-aid pitcher.

   I met MicroSoft owner Bill Windows.

   I think some of my Facebook friends make completely irrational decisions in life that make no sense whatsoever, and we should hangout more.

   Mmmmmm, I want some hamberders.

   I'm holding a Twitter conspiracy meeting tonight. Don't tell Devin.

   I bought a pair of underwear today. In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’. In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

   a good feeling: to wake up in the morning and realizing you have 5 more hours to sleep.

   Make a decision; right or wrong. The roads are paved with squirrels that couldn't make up their minds.