Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got the bread and mi....I mean toilet paper and handy wipes!

   When artificial intelligence surpasses the intelligence of mankind, mankind will become less and less intelligent until society itself ceases to exist.

   Well look at the bright side, we've been practicing isolating ourselves from my friends ever since they created Facebook.

   Day 3 of my self quarantine. I just ate the cat.

   I have a sore throat, a headache and a dry cough. We all know what that means. I'm never buying weed from Alowishus Jackson again.

   Yeah, losing St. Patrick's Day was sad. But damn, it was truck month.

   While socially distancing myself I guess this will be a good time to finish reading the internet.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to write the word "LOOK" without making the O's look like funny cartoon eyes.

   Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

   Ruby can finally take her love to town... guilt free.

   I definitely didn't stockpile enough hot sauce.

   I think I'm almost finished reading the internet. Any other good suggestions what to read besides the backs of peanut butter and hand sanitizer containers?

   I love that ordering delivery now feels like helping the country & rebuilding the economy whereas before it just felt lazy & financially irresponsible. #WednesdayThoughts #SaferAtHome

   You're just not buying enough guns! More are needed!

   hey you the atheist below please move on

   I toilet papered my house last night. It's now worth 1.4 million.

   I never thought that giving up going to work for Lent would be so easy.

   The worst homeschooling class has to be Sex Ed.

   Since staying home I think I need a better way to end a phone conversation then saying "Hey let me go now, I gotta run"

   With this corona virus thing, just heard that infidelity is down 99.9%