Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like men who play hard to get. So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

   How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.

   Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk.

   Depression, is merely anger without enthusiasm

   Why do wives think giving their husband the silent treatment is a punishment.

   "If playing golf is exercise, then why aren't there driving ranges in health clubs?

   Valentine's Day. The only day of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   Out of towners gonna think Miami is just a big bowl of Maduros

   I know I’m getting old when playing the stock market is more fun than playing a video game

   Worked on our taxes last night. We are getting $867 thousand dollars from federal and we owe the state $966 thousand dollars. Anyone have the number to H&R Block??

   My father always said The sky's the limit! Which now that I think about it might be why he lost his job at NASA?

   A good pick up line to use on a pregnant woman is "Got room for one more in there?"

   As you get older you quit looking towards the future And find yourself longing for the Pasture

   Sleeping In A Car By Age: 12 And Under: Very cool 13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal 18+: Uh-Oh

   PESSIMIST : Someone who can look at the land of milk and honey, and see only calories and cholesterol !

   Dove chocolates taste way better than their soap

   Q.What does Pete Buttigieg have in common with a successful circumcision? A. They're both little off sawed off peckers.

   Chalkboards are a remarkable invention.

   I am not setting a bad example...I am the perfect example of what not to do!

   With Burger King's new commercial of the Whopper growing mold I guess I won't be saving them anymore for the next 34 days.