Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crazy that in 2019 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between sowho's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

   Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

   We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles

   museums: why doesn't anyone go to museums anymore also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

   I've never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can't stand cereals or baseball.

   What did I learn today? Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

   Woke up coughing this morning, I reckon I've got pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis but it's hard to say

   Archaeologists in Peru have discovered a 500 year old machine that allowed eggs to hatch. It was called an Incabator.

   I hear there is a new scientific term for how mushrooms multiply. It's called a sporegasm.

   what do you call a group of short people on a merry-go-round? ...a midget spinner

   My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I'm serving it anyway.

   Please donate 30$ to my child's school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.... It's not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   Every time you yawn in October a ghost put his package in your mouth...

   My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

   Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k? Me: that's bananas.

   Friend zoned your wife again

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas Tree by the lines of tape wrapped around the box it's stored in.

   I wish my navigation system was a little more zen-like and instead of saying things like "Your destination is in 300 ft" it would say "Your destination is in 300 ft but remember, it's not about the destination, it's the journey that counted!"

   When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?