Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.

   [Breaking News] Australian strawberries found in Salisbury!

   I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name!

   Ciick-fil-a surprises Florida man for his 100th birthday with free food for life.

   Unable to purchase McGregor`s Proper Twelve Whiskey from his website, says he is currently tapped out.

   Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.

   instead of talking about who people whould vote for, maybe gef off social media and actually go put and vote if you want change

   Drink beer while you can still afford it.

   this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed dummycrat loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

   Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright untill you hear them speak.

   Guess it's time to throw out the leftovers from last Thanksgiving...

   Get your copy of "Who's Boat is this Boat" today!

   People ask to meet for coffee so they can pick my brain almost every week. If you don’t want to pay for consultancy I don’t have a brain.

   Why is there a permanent setting on my iron ?

   In 1984 a light aircraft killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach.. which is why I don't jog!!

   Bakers, your technical challenge for today will be the classic American style marijuana brownie. Paul would like for you to each bake 96 dozen and they must look good!

   Kevin McCallister's parents has to be the most dimwitted parents ever not to realize that Buzz is the cause of their family's problems.

   In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu — and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he’d taught to fire a gun.

   Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. My 4 y/o: I don't have any other feet.

   I should ask all of my exe's on a scale of 1-10 how good of a boyfriend I was...and then totally ignore anyone who doesn't say 10 cause I cant stand liars