Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

   Sorry, I only date crazy girls. If there's not a 50/50 chance I'll have to file a restraining order at some point plz don't waste my time.

   Sorry pal, I don't speak Affliction shirt...

   A woman that doesn't ask for nothing deserves everything

   If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.

   If you hold a beer glass to your ear, you hear joy.

   I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.

   People who eat fish tacos: You realize you can get tacos that don't have fish in them,,, right?

   *at my own wedding* Can I please stay in the car?

   blunt so fat it swims with a shirt on

   Icebergs started the whole "Just the tip" lie.

   Hello, it was great ignoring each other while I was here. We need to do this more often. . .

   Why do only 50 percent of women go to heaven?..........because if they all went, it would be hell.

   At least now I know the real reason why I've never been asked to play on a professional volleyball team...

   Sorry I keep forgetting you're not my therapist.

   I'm sorry for what I said before I had my coffee.

   When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

   Women who request for a massage from a guy without a happy ending are delusional.

   However lonely you feel, you’re never alone… There are literally millions of bugs, mites, and bacteria living in your house.

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the fat kid always plays catcher.