Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinks the only difference between my job and the Titanic is the Titanic at least had a band!!

   automatic doors make me feel like a jedi

   why don't dentist offer 50 percent discounts to meth heads just to gum up business

   as many times as I've been called "that mother f*cker" in my life, I better be getting a Mother's Day card and gift too.

   A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion but won't

   I spend the first few hours of every day killing weeds in my front yard and the last few hours of every day smoking them in my backyard.

   Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"

   Does this "eating a lean cuisine on a Saturday night." Make me look single?

   Tom Brady: So I said, "It isn't flat" and they were like, "yes it is" and I'm like, "no its not" Christopher Columbus: "I hear ya, man!"

   [walking up to birthday party] Kid: "Dad, these are all the cool kids. Don't embarass me." Dad: "I hear ya dawg" *puts baseball hat on backwards*

   That moment when you flex your foot wrong and it cramps, and you think “This is it…this is how it ends.”

   Want to know the best way to make friends? Tell a woman you love her and she will say "I think we're just friends"

   My mind is telling me yes‎ But my body My body's telling me no...Me waking up for work every morning! ‎

   [sitting at table] Wife: writes number on pice of paper and slides it across. Me: Crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*

   Why can't my camera take the same picture I see when I look in the mirror?

   My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties. On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love' On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'

   Are you sure your relationship is "complication" and you're not just sleeping with too many people?

   All of my fantasies involve you and then there's pizza a few times.

   No.... I said I CAN keep a secret, not that WILL.

   Irony: When a stipper says she is not being treated like a lady.