Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hillary Clinton was reported as saying, "Ok, but I used Google voice so it was just oral text and that doesn't count"...

   How does a cricket know when his joke bombed?

   What's the opposite of carpe, because that's what I'll be doing to the day.

   Today is national Happy Day. Off to the liquor store I go.

   Some serious smack talk in the office today going on between Indian and Sri Lankan Cricket World Cup fans if anyone is wondering what its like working in IT during March Madness.

   I don't always get a taste of my own medicine but when I do I wash it down with tequila, hold the lime

   It looks like One Direction is headed in another direction

   Yesterday we had Earth Hour as a reminder that we all need to take better care of Earth. I would also like to encourage you all to take better care of uranus.

   Before you judge a man, walk a mile in their shoes; and then judge them.

   Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.

   If you love someone, keep drinking

   thinks all.strippers must have the same nick name: Daddy Issues

   whatever it is you’re going through, however bad or sad. just know everything is about to be okay because game of thrones is back tonight.

   I'm a participation trophy wife.

   Welcome to Celebrity Impersonators Club. Please have a seat. There's plenty of Chers.

   Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away.

   Relationship Status: Trying to get my cat to cooperate so I can make a Vine.

   "Oh, this old thing?" - my cat showing me his butt hole..

   Obama did not get Osama, the CIA and NavySeals did. That's all you got? FAIL!

   Mayweather Wasn't Hugged as a Child. Since Daddy Went To Prison. That's Why Guys..