Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stopped feeling sorry for myself a long time ago. Now I just feel sorry for the people who have to deal with me.

   People who know me well know that I like to think outside the box. Mostly because I'm claustrophobic and can't concentrate when I am stuck inside a box and overwhelmed with panic.

   I told my boyfriend he needs professional help. He hired a prostitute.... well played.

   Stupid cats stealing all our women.

   A special place in hell just for me? Aww you shouldn't have.

   I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...

   So where do I go to trade my husband in for 6 cats?

   My master plan is just a Post-it note that says “drink more.”

   Im going to find that groundhog and kill him. ...

   Hi, and welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Now who wants a cold one?

   I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.

   When my parents told me to make something of myself, I don't think a mockery is what they had in mind.

   "I'm not very photogenic" in other words you're ugly.

   I'm like Hank Williams Jr. but instead of all my rowdy friends coming over tonight they are getting married and having children before me

   "So it says here on your resume that you are a 'master debater'?" "Yeah, umm... well... that is a typo"

   Women are like Algebra equations. Whatever you do on one side, you have to do to the other.

   According to math, hindsite is 1

   Nobody thought to inject the blood of Benedict Cumberbatch to save Leonard Nimoy? Perhaps this is why I'm not a doctor...

   Beginning of relationship- 1) Don’t ever change. 2) You have to change. 3) You’ve changed. -End of relationship-

   "Haha Good one snow.... Good one" *pulls snow aside and whispers* "Seriously dude, knock it off, you're ruining my life"