Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know!! if you walk like a penguin you won't slip on ice.. ;)

   Everyone should call their weed "The Quran" because burning that crap gets you stoned.

   Fact: Dogs don't like when you pet their fur in the wrong direction because it exposes the tribal tattoos they got in college

   Don't worry too much about being alone on Valentine's Day. It's just one day out of the year. There's 364 other days no one loves you too.

   Can't wait to watch the NFL Pro Bowl said no one ever!

   Every time a crossfitter gets injured an Angel gets their wings

   I'm asian but not "love you long time" asian. More like "love you for 10 min, roll over, and go to bed" asian.

   Momma left strict instructions to knock you out

   The tax revenue from Michael Moore would make a serious dent in the federal deficit.

   "Mom, why do girls rule and boys drool" "Well, dear.... there are these things called boobs"

   Hit the gym today with my car.

   Sam Smith is a chubby Rick Astley!

   Think someone is pitching "Keeping up with Kanye"? What a Deutche

   My life is like a box of chocolates. Only fat people want me.

   I stopped feeling sorry for myself a long time ago. Now I just feel sorry for the people who have to deal with me.

   People who know me well know that I like to think outside the box. Mostly because I'm claustrophobic and can't concentrate when I am stuck inside a box and overwhelmed with panic.

   I told my boyfriend he needs professional help. He hired a prostitute.... well played.

   Stupid cats stealing all our women.

   A special place in hell just for me? Aww you shouldn't have.

   I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...