Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupidity is the gateway drug to getting throat punched.

   Ok mother nature we beat the snow record now there's no need to run the score up!

   Sorry I'm late for my appointment. I passed a pet store. Waved at the kittens for three hours. You know how it is.

   You can be a real idiot in one field but still criticize people in that area the most.

   So many people born at the end of November. If we had a clubhouse we'd be named "The Valentine's Day Mistakes"

   this trend that all girls hates the word moist is getting old.

   If it ain't KRAFT Mac and Cheese, it ain't Mac and Cheese!!!!

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   The suicide vest bombing instructor at the Al Qaeda School of Martyrdom advised his students too "pay close attention because I'm only going to show you this once".

   Justin Bieber Got a Freaking Jet for Christmas proving that there is no God or justice in this world we live in.

   If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   it's freezing outside..at least I don't have to walk the 20 feet for a cold beer, the ice window box is just a little stretch...

   "To be is to do" - Socrates... "To do is to be" - Nietzsche... "Do be do be do" - Sinatra... "Beep beep beep" - R2D2...

   Fcuk, is this year ever going to end?

   The bible has been remixed more times than Madonna.

   Why is it always "did you drink all of the beer", instead of, "hey thanks for cleaning out that drawer in the refrigerator"?

   "Respect costs you nothing?!" Are you sure?!