Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank You Seattle Seahawks From New England Patriots Fans Every where. . .

   Peyton, who just so happens to own several Papa Johns Pizza's, has a New Super Bowl Special... One extra lare pizza, loaded on one side and nothing on the other!

   Soccer: Kickball for grownups who need a game that's totally random and no need for strategies. Kinda like shi**y hockey.

   America does not actually think it is as popular as the world thinks it is. We simply laugh at ourselves more than everyone thinks we do.

   I am woman, hear me Blah, Blah, Blah.

   When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.

   How the heck are eggs full of cholesterol but chickens aren't?

   I made a knock off Mcy D's Chicken ranch snack wrap. I threw it together in a hurry, used the nastiest lettce I could find, threw 1/2 of my chickn tender away, & then I closed my eyes & pickd a random condiment out of the fridge. Just like the real thing.

   Saw a girl driving while talking on her cell phone. Made me so mad I almost threw my beer at her

   Wife: Why do you always have your eyes closed when we have sex? Husband: So I don’t lose my erection?

   Went to the club. They played The Twist. I twisted. They played Jump. I jumped. They played Come On Eileen. I got arrested.

   Very disappointed that Nikolai Volkov wasn't selected to light the Olympic flame

   This whiskey would pair nicely with soft bosoms.

   if she says 'ew' when you ask if you can have sex at least she didn't say no

   I spent so many years being wrong and not knowing it. Thankfully I got married so now I am fully aware that I have never, ever been right.

   some ppls FaceBook movies went straight to Dvd..

   Civilized people dont kill each other with gun's anymore.They kill each other by uploading vacation pictures on Facebook!.

   The secret of enjoying a good wine:1)Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.2)if it does not look like it's breathing give it mouth-to_mouth

   So when love comes knocking at your door answer it stark naked

   I’m so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members.