Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cooking with cheese is so awesome, even when it's the only ingredient the recipe calls for.

   There are countless horrible things happening all over the world and horrible people prospering, but we must never allow them to disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to sabotage and annoy them whenever possible.

   Please do not mistake my civility for affection or sympathy- I am just as courteous when I shoot you between the eyes as when I tolerate smalltalk with you.

   My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.

   Why isn't there a "media bullying"?.....oh thats right, because the media bullies people *smacks forehead*

   If having a dog has taught me anything,,, It's how to eat steak very quickly... *No chewing needed

   A joyous Festivus to all! May your strength prevail and grievances be few.

   I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment" Kathy.

   Merry Christmas. ..ya filthy animal.

   Marriage ain't a bed of roses. Nothing explains this statement than a man spending the night on the couch /o\

   Spending the night sleeping on the couch with the dog isn't so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   Men who cry about being single, cry even louder after getting married !!

   Why drown in love, when you can swim in lust ?

   just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys

   Between the blue corn tortilla chips, spinach dip, and salsa....I've been crapp*ng out Christmas colors for the past three days.

   Some women cook salt with a bit of food in it.

   I always imagine women have sex like they dance, This is why Line Dancing is so disturbing to me.

   I am not the kind of guy to offer to buy a girl some drinks at the bar, I am the kind to offer to buy her some decent clothes.

   I spend 90% of my salary on my hobbies. The rest I waste.

   I remember 2013 like it was yesterday.