Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.

   "Just be yourself" doesn't work if you suck.

   *introduces girlfriend to dad* “what are your intentions with my son? I hope you don’t want to turn his shirts into pyjamas then leave him”

   “I don't judge you because your opinion differs from mine. I judge you because your opinion is imbecilic.” Yours or mine?!

   You'll never realise how nice some people are until they need something.

   Eats entire contents of kitchen while waiting for pizza delivery

   First to stand, Last to fall. Face the danger, Kill 'em All

   Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? I doubt this is what our fallen solders of WWII fought so bravely to defeat the Nazi’s. On behalf of them I am sorry.

   When someone calls you to tell you they’re coming over to your house and you lie you’re not home because you don’t want to wear pants.

   If Eric Shenseki is no longer a government employee, does this mean he has to sign up for ObamaCare?

   Relationship Status: eating raw cookie dough.

   They came out with a GPS device for bird watchers that has tern by tern directions.

   You may think the grass is greener on the other side,but if you take the time to water your own grass it would be just as green

   Making the cats chase the laser pointer. Re-establishing who is boss, for now.

   Justin Beiber's publicist reports that Justinwant to change his name to "Bizzle" to increase his street cred. However music industry insiders say his new name will more than likely be "Justinutha Lonelynizzle"

   I'm time zone intolerant...

   Would using 2 Sleepy Time Tea bags instead of 1 be conscidered over-medicating? Asking for a friend.

   My sex drive is manual

   Hey ladies, wtf is wrong with a selfie with just a normal smile??

   The closest I get to exercising is buying running shoes online