Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women's biggest mistake: thinking men can read their minds Men's biggest mistake: not trying to read women's minds

   I like to be treated like a king... so I thought of going to Burger King & lying about it being my birthday

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.

   Anyone know how much bullsh#t an adult Depends will hold? Going to a political debate later and want to be prepared.......

   Community cancelled. Well it shouldn't take five plus years to get a two year degree anyways. Smart move NBC!

   Wishing all Mother’s, secretaries, nurses, teachers and any other gender/profession dominated by women a special day and/or week!

   *removes underwear *pees *gets back on scale

   There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face.

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?!"

   If the duvet is still on the bed your clearly not doing it right

   Men In Black, Panties..... #AddaWordRuinaMovie

   If a woman's shorts are big enough to spell "Bootylicious" across the back, then chances are she is not.

   Wish my Google phone had "I'm Feeling Lucky" button when I want to be the 10th caller.

   Micheal Sam is good enough at publicly wanting privacy he could be a Kardashian!

   My life coach threw a chair at me.

   Brush your teeth before you complain.

   Me: Siri, explain women. Siri: sorryyy I'm hdgjbj malfunctioning jdji?!!%&%$###?! *EXPLODES*

   I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.

   Why doesn't anybody like me? Asking for a friend.

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??