Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Kardashian dating Kanye? The only thing bigger than Kim's ass is Kanye's ego. They must balance each other out.

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day. Feels like it should be posted on Facebook.

   I alternate between cautious optimism and reckless pessimism.

   Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.

   They say the world is going to end this year. C'mon now, these fools can barely predict the weather.

   everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs...i'm drawn to them like a moth to a flame, jus to make their lives a living hell

   ‘Dog Whisperer' host finalizes divorce, must pay ex-wife $23,000 a month. I didnt know you can make so much money whispering to dogs,, I whisper to mine and she just looks at me

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   I don't even know why I look in the back seat of my car when I get in at night.Like the killer is going to scream 'Oh crap! you saw me, retreat!

   Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

   Yes, you are entitled to your opinion. Why you insist on being wrong is beyond me, but go nuts with it.

   The fact that you don't find me amazing doesn't bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.

   Ladies: Don't be mad he can't take a hint; be mad that you are dating an idiot.

   One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.

   Whoever invented Copy & Paste should have been awarded a Nobel Prize.

   that weird momment when ur pet comes in ur room, stares, then walks back out.

   when you see a sign at a restaurant that says 'employees must wash BOTH hands', I think that's when you have to worry...

   I joined Facebook as an outlet to complain about stuff, now I need someplace to complain about Facebook.

   Congress has an approval rating of 13% you should know Naked cannibals on Bath Salts are at 18%.

   You know what makes me mad? The fact that I know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are.