Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   .... I've decided some changes need to be made to the US Constitution .... Like ... Dusting it off and putting it to use like it was intended to be.

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   Dear Mariah: It's not as easy as it looks. -Milli Vanilli

   Nice try MacDonalds, trying to give away you're secret sauce, I've already have a bottle of thousand island dressing in the refrigerator

   I have good taste, I just don't have the money to prove it.

   Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...

   It's probably called almond milk because nut juice doesn't sound as enticing..

   Harvey Weinstein is a woman hating jerk. I hope he never makes another dime again.

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.

   The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.

   Elizabeth and Bernie have both been in Washington for like 50 years so why haven't they fixed the tax codes yet?

   Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.

   most pirates get their eye patches just a little while after they get their hooks

   I hate those unrealistic movies...you know, the ones where men are friends with women.