Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In Heaven, donuts are glazed on both sides

   I had "Abstinence-only" sex education when I was in high school. It was called "Marching Band".

   When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.

   Has anyone ever noticed that they never actually tell us how to get to Sesame Street?

   My favourite childhood memory...not paying bills

   Wife: Wanna have sex? Me: Sure, a quickie or do you want the full 2 minutes?

   Shout out to the knife for always having my back.

   I'm the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.

   Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

   It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

   You had me at "there's no security cameras."

   Tequila probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

   some people should put professional victim on their resumé

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies it's that I'm the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down

   Wow......this is turning out to be the best year Mark Sanchez has ever had in the NFL

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.

   If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the team I work for...

   Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.