Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.

   I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

   Thanks for being the kind of friend who will laugh during the eulogy at my funeral because you knew the real story.

   Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

   One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...

   A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge

   From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.

   You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.

   A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?

   my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer

   I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.

   I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.

   Its pretty cool how after all of these years of marriage my wife as gained the ability to finish my sentences. Like when I say, "Can I...." she says, "No".

   Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...

   Nice try "Private Caller", but I don't answer if I know you either.

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   I wish I could have the days back when I'd tell my best friend "we did it three times last night" and it meant something other than "going to the bathrrom"

   You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.