Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.

   You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.

   Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

   Sorry I invited the firefighters to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one.

   Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes

   A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.

   This liquor store needs a dollar menu.

   I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.

   I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.

   The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.

   Sherman...eat a snickers

   It was Judy Garland who went Over the Rainbow you a$$hat!

   Kanye West is said to be recovering well in hospital after an 8 hour operation to remove his head from his ass.

   With so many things coming back in style, I can't wait till loyalty and morals become the new trend again.

   .... I've decided some changes need to be made to the US Constitution .... Like ... Dusting it off and putting it to use like it was intended to be.

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   Dear Mariah: It's not as easy as it looks. -Milli Vanilli

   Nice try MacDonalds, trying to give away you're secret sauce, I've already have a bottle of thousand island dressing in the refrigerator

   I have good taste, I just don't have the money to prove it.