Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woke up naked and looking so sexy my shower got turned on.

   As long as I work with somebody named Mike, Wednesdays will never be boring.

   God put a woman in the bible and sheruined the whole book in the first chapter

   Bernie Sanders says feel the Bern but it's really Bengay

   This Inauguration thingy look kinda fancy for a man that still owes me $600

   Just ate at a new combination pizzeria/Buddhist temple. Their motto: Give Pizza Chants.

   If you can’t decide between two things, toss a coin. Not because it will decide for you, but in that brief moment it’s flipping in the air, you will realize what you really wish for.

   Listen,, If you're mad about Trump being named Time's Person of the Year, wait until you hear who was elected president.

   I like to stop the microwave with one second to go. It makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   Nobody blamed the lightsaber....then again, they didn't let every stupid moron have one.

   You know what's beautiful? Read the first word again.

   dont fart in an apple store, they dont have windows

   They say that shopping while you are hungry is the worst thing you can do, but I think clubbing a seal is, at least, equally bad.

   If your Tupperware has "nutrition facts" on the side of the container, you might be a redneck

   Seen a women in the supermarket wearing toilet paper on her face instead of a mask and thought to myself Toilet paper - It's not just used on regular asses anymore.

   Please don't tell China I know all kinds of Super Secret Stuff! They might send one of those Hot Chinese Spies to Work me Over!

   You know how old I am? It used to be normal to order something and have to wait six to eight weeks to get it.

   Me on a first date: How many FBI investigations does it take for people to realize she's a SCUMBAG. Her: . . .

   If you want to get a bead on how cuckoo women are, just look at your fb newsfeed.

   The Democrat National Convention is going to be so interesting that Black Lives Matter memboers are even going to stop shooting Cops to watch it.