Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, its a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, its a grizzly.

   Google Earth: Helping stalkers since 2004.

   ˜Sort of" shouldn't be used in certain phrases. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."

   It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.

   The best part of being me is that I'm not you...

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better

   I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

   when I die, bury me with all my debts and a cell phone so I can haunt them for a change.

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.

   If a large box of cereal is considered "Family Size", would a large box of condoms be considered "Prevent a Family" size?

   Promises are like babies: easy to make but hard to deliver.

   thinks you should NEVER look down on someone...unless you have a clear view of cleavage.

   You'd think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.

   This lady behind me at the store just "beep-beep'd" for me to move out of her way, and this is how murderers are born.

   I tried holding the door open for a woman at the coffee shop this morning but she just kept yelling "close the door, I'm trying to pee in here!!". Some people are so ungrateful

   The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.

   Sherman...eat a snickers

   It was Judy Garland who went Over the Rainbow you a$$hat!

   You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?