Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".

   The next time someone calls you from a withheld number just answer it and say, "hello London sperm bank. You squeeze it - we freeze it!" ... See what happens.

   Jogging is too much work, walking is too slow, I'm gonna take up skipping. When people see me coming down the sidewalk, I'm pretty sure they'll make an extra effort to move out of the way.

   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

   The only reason I ever check my voicemail is to clear the notification.

   Getting old is like a haunted house. There are sounds and smells that can't be explained

   I hate mosquitoes!!! I mean, I know I'm delicious but damn...

   I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake

   Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

   has just realized it doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full...either way it just means there is still room for more vodka!

   Round-trip airfare from San Diego to Minneapolis - $335; checking a suitcase - $25; Dr. Pepper & Peanuts - $6.50; WiFi - now free; Checking your Facebook page and over-shooting the airport by 150 miles instead of landing the jet airliner - JOBLESS !!!

   My alarm clock and I had a fight. It wanted me to get up, I refused. Things escalated. Now I'm awake & it's broken. Not sure who won the fight

   I'd like to give you a nice going away present. But first, you have to do your part.

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures.

   Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!

   When it comes to practicing the theory of "There are plenty fish in the sea", I tend to practice catch and release.

   Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

   I just looked down at my shoes and one of them is not right.

   On my 8th slice of pizza watching the bigget loser!! Time to make a change!! Where's the remote??

   The difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, its a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, its a grizzly.