Mickey Funny Status Messages

   I'm bored. Let's see, I'll take a pic of me with my dog, then tag it with 97 facebook friends, then watch 'em go cuckoo.

   MY Fantasy Football thing is about the Cheerleaders.

   Why didn't God use the same anchoring system for head hair as he did for nose hair?

   I was really counting on winning the Powerball. I was also counting on getting run over by a bus driven by a bear.

   My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave!" I had the car out in two minutes.

   If I were an actual snowflake, ie the feathery ice crystal with a sixfold symmetry, I'd be highly insulted.

   Life is a terminal disease, that is sexually transmitted.

   I hate Mondays more than a midget hates getting a Yo-Yo for Christmas.

   I'm watching The Alamo Bowl on ESPN. My main concern isn't who wins, my main concern is if I'll remember it.

   What's the difference between a druggist and a drug dealer? One sells drugs LEGALLY. What's the difference between an immigrant who came to the US lawfully, and one who snuck in? One's here LEGALLY. See?

   My girl sent me to the store to get her some pads. Brillo good?

   Christmas Schmistmas....March features the greatest holiday of the year. Any festivity that centers itself around getting drunk on beer, and stuffed on a big hunk of beef soaked in brine wins my vote.

   A hard-0n doesn't count as personal growth.

   Polar Vortex...nice term for cold air from Canada, media.... just watch,this summer, when the temps go into the 90's, they'll refer to a heat wave as a "Solar Vortex".

   Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.

   My wife was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit.

   When I was born, the day I was brought home form the hospital my parents put up a sign on my bedroom door: "Checkout Time 18 Years"

   I'm really not a "know it all"... For instance, up until recently, I thought cunnilingus was an Irish Airline.

   I'm such a slacker. It's a brand new year, and I haven't accomplished one d*mn thing.

   So, have all you rocket scientists who were still shooting off fireworks at 4am get it out of your system till the 4th of July?