GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without people getting offended.

   BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.

   All these galaxies and planets and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks.

   I am the reason why Santa has a naughty list.

   Dear Santa! Listen here! I'll keep eating my deer jerky while you give me what I want for Christmas or Rudolph is next. Make it happen fat man!

   I can handle most things in life. But hearing someone chew their food is not one of them.

   Christmas and Thanksgiving should be at least 6 months apart. It's insane to see these people again so soon. Absurd.

   I am the reason Santa has a naughty list.

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   Dear Santa: For Christmas this year I want a fat bank account and a slim body with sexy abs, but let's not get it mixed up like you did last year.

   First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.

   We should have a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours.

   Marriage tip: If your wife comes home in a bad mood and starts an argument for no reason like she does from time to time, just use this simple phrase: "My mom was right about you". This usually does the trick and stops the argument.

   Sometimes I don't feel like going to work... But then I remember I was born cute, not rich.

   Disney has a new movie coming out on Disney + tomorrow. Tinker Tinkerbell meets her brother, Taco.

   It takes skill to trip over cordless phones!

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   Santa put down the pen! I can explain everything!