Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

   When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head.

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies. Guess what, there were none there. Coincidence?

   My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

   you only live once, but if you live it right, once is enough.

   Pessimist sees darkness, optimist sees light, realist sees light & the coming train! Train driver sees 3 idiots sitting on the rails. :-)

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   cellphones always killin the mood. chick texted "your ducking sexy".. sigh. so I responded "your spelling makes me think your on quack"

   thinks instead of asking why your dog eats out of your cat's litter box, maybe you should be asking why your cat is pooping delicious treats!

   The scariest part of the show “I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant” is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.

   Spiders should be required to keep proof of all the insects they've killed so when I find them in the house I can decide whether to leave them alone, move them outside, or flatten them with extreme prejudice.

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   Somthing always tells me, be camera ready when I go into Walmart..

   Note to Self: Singing the theme song to Two and a Half Men while watching it, fun and acceptable. Singing it while in the showers at the gym, not so much.

   My life coach just benched me.

   If you can't laugh at yourself... I will gladly do it for you.