Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's kind of cool how khaki Dockers and ugly people found each other

   I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

   I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.

   I took a nap... Well, actually I was jumping on the bed and the ceiling fan knocked me unconscious,,,,,,,,,,,,,, But still

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

   When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head.

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she text me back "sorry wrong number."

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls

   I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.

   Think about how stupid the average person is,and then realize that half of them are stupider than that!!!

   Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!

   Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty therefore making them feel inadequate. Then they buy 12 inch dild0s.

   went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies. Guess what, there were none there. Coincidence?

   will be forever indebted to the person who creates a vaccine for stupidity.

   My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...