Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i don't usually brag about my friday night plans but i'm at a party with seven dogs so

   Just heard on the news that fake news is up 200% on Facebook. So what else is new?

   I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

   My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

   how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

   Praying Mantis wife: Are you cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave you that idea?

   Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

   If $1200 was crumbs. What is $600 a bite

   Anyone know how long it takes to get hearing aids back from repair? I sent mine off two weeks ago and haven't heard anything since

   ALL MEN ARE @SSHOLES ...... Never mind ... He just texted me back .... False alarm ... my bad

   So over Christmas porn, there is only so much elf sex one can watch

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy @$$."

   I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡

   when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter

   "Judge me by what I say, not what I do" - the Art of the No Deal.

   At least mansplaing only takes a few seconds. Womansplaining can take HOURS!!!!

   What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice to long?....... Polaroids

   My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”

   If you receive a Friend Request from Hormel Foods, don't accept it. It might be Spam.

   Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?