Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to make your girl feel special: 1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice. 2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

   I once said “a penny for your thoughts” to a girl and it cost me a dollar…

   Shout out to whoever got these gas prices down in July. now lets hit da two dollar mark.

   My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

   Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.

   n't it ironic that I hate math, but I love counting money.

   If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me.

   If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes.

   I just thought of something that really sucks. How are you?

   it too late to claim that I invented the wheel. . .

   Bernie said from the start of his campaign he would endorse Hillary if she won the primary, his supporters flip out and disown him when he shows integrity and keeps his promise.

   Black Beatles Lives Matter. Black Eyed Peas Matter. Black Leather Jackets Matter. Now Black Off And Leave Me The F#ck Alone. . .

   Prisoner 1: What are you in for?.... PEE WEE HERMAN: Sperm bank heist.... Prisoner1: How'd you get caught?.. PEE WEE: I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY SAW ME COMING!

   [high school] Teacher: do you have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

   If you ever see a woman with her arm stuck in a Pringles can in Walmart, I'd appreciate it if you don't make eye contact with me, thanks.

   Oh, you’re a ceiling fan?... Name three ceilings then... Yeah,,, I didn't think so

   If Trump wins, I'm going to open a florist shop near the Mexican border. And yes, I will call the shop "Wallflowers."

   .... I have been self identifying as a woman ever since the men's room at the theater was full.

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Boober.