Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what my problem is? People telling me what my problem is.

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   RIP Jack Kevorkian dead at 83. Final stats: 0 points, 0 rebounds, and 130 assists.

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   I live every day like it's my first. There's a lot of crying and sleeping involved.

   The coolest part about wallet chains is that they let potential thieves know your wallet isn't worth stealing.

   My wife asked me if I wanted to go on a date for Valentine's, so I asked her with who and do I know her...................then the trouble started.

   We're responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.

   My life can be summed up in an overwhelming urge to wash my hands.

   Does this comic book collection make me look single?

   I have life moments when all I can do is stop and say "Seriously?"

   I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.

   I am not grumpy. I'm just not a fan of other people today.

   69 will never be a normal number.

   I'm doing my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too.

   Kanye West is said to be recovering well in hospital after an 8 hour operation to remove his head from his ass.

   With so many things coming back in style, I can't wait till loyalty and morals become the new trend again.

   ESPN reports that Aaron Hernandez is being investigated for the disappearance of Manti Teo's girlfriend

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance - My stages of getting ready for work