Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are some people on facebook who don't understand the difference between 'Whats on your mind?' And I should probably see a therapist about this'

   Sweetie, we cant afford to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. How bout instead, we pop in the DVD at home and I'll throw clocks and candlesticks at you while you watch it.

   It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.

   It's too bad you can't punch someone's personality.

   I feel I have an on and off relationship with clothes.

   There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   My bucket list is still half Original Recipe,,, and half Extra Crispy.

   Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.

   If Eve cursed the entire human race just for an apple, I can only imagine what she would do for a Klondike bar.

   I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. - Mark Twain

   They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the f*ck women are actually trying to say.

   I never know when it will strike... but there comes a moment at work when I've made up my mind that I'm not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.

   If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.

   Would like to give a big shout out to the people that are hard of hearing

   They can go ahead and change the name "land line" to "cell phone finder" now.

   Car commercials make driving around in empty parking garages look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.