Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's a life of piracy on the high seas.

   You can always count on mom's to gasp in horror when you're about to hit a car that's 300 yards away.

   Facebook needs to add these to the relationship status options: (1) Messing around, (2) Using someone, (3) Afraid to commit, (4) With so-and-so until something better comes along.

   Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid ... I really thought you already knew!

   has found that when my son says "the other day", it can mean any time up to a year ago.

   The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it”

   Sometimes you wish you could just fast forward time just to see if in the end it's all worth it,..

   The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.

   When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.

   when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.

   Thanks, autocorrect. I'm sure she's dying to know about my huge peninsula.

   Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...

   "Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.

   Unprotected sex can lead to Pregnancy or Diseases. Masturbation just leads to sleep.

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you

   Facebook is really just a museum of all my failed relationships.

   I can't decide whether The Nightmare Before Christmas is a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie.

   There are some people on facebook who don't understand the difference between 'Whats on your mind?' And I should probably see a therapist about this'

   Sweetie, we cant afford to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. How bout instead, we pop in the DVD at home and I'll throw clocks and candlesticks at you while you watch it.