Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ironically, it's really hard when you suffer from impotency

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!

   love the scoring system on storage wars..lets see...a broken tricycle, thats $200, used tupperware...$600......

   One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   Dont go broke trying to look RICH....act your wage!

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt

   The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.

   boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once

   Are you single single or internet single?

   When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.

   Steven Tyler looks like a zombie crawling out of a drag queen's hamper.

   I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate

   Hey, if you stay really quiet and listen very, very closely, You can hear the beautiful sound of you shutting the f$ck up.