Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt

   I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   My stupid camera won't stop ringing.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories

   Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.

   My neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants

   I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best

   Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.

   "Having too much sex can cause memory loss." I read it on page 37 in a medical journal on November, 2006 at 4:19 pm.

   My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.

   My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom

   Still waiting on the United States to hold concerts for money to donate to Alabama and those affected in the horrible tornados. We do it for everyone else for any other reason right?

   if you don't like someone on facebook, there's this awesome block button. it saves a lot of drama.

   Dear Employer, I have worked insane amounts of hours for you; shed blood; even went through a divorce because of you. Is it too much to ask for some decent toilet paper up in here?

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".