Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

   I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

   After such a high demand for COVID-19 face masks, I have recently started making them. Does anyone know how much chloroform I need to use?

   Another woman cause me to leave my wife. It was her mother.

   I got kicked out of the boy scouts for eating a browine

   Would you people PLEASE stop praying for my Grandpa to get stronger . . . he's ALREADY grabbed me by the throat this morning!

   In a crowded room I like to let out a silent but deadly fart then shout "do I smell popcorn" so everyone gets a good whiff!

   first day of Trump Preisdency and already racism is spreading. Everyone is talking about how unreliable the Poles are.

   when hitler rose to power, there were no memes to stop him.

   I want a chiropracter to crack my body like a like a glow stick during a hurricane

   Someone on my fb just posted they had just backed synonym buns. I replied, you mean the ones grammar use to make? Now I'm blocked

   The best way to open a Capri Sun is with a bullet.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's day, then the side chick is you.

   The Early Bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

   Roses are Red, They go in a Bucket, They cost 60 dollars So you'd better...

   It's hard to be a straight guy these days. I'm all for equal pay and treatment for women but I also love titties...

   daylight saving time starts sunday. Translation tired for a week.

   Just now at McDonalds: Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap. That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up!

   The last time I was inside of a woman I was visiting the statue of liberty.

   What do you call a beat up Batman? A bruised Wayne.