Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a trip to Golden Corral doesn't make you pro-choice, nothing will.

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is too short. But shout it to them in Russian, because life is also extremely terrifying and very confusing.

   Bernie Sanders endorcing Hillary Clinton feels so much like when the girl you love starts dating the guy you hate most.

   Bet those two guys that hang out at Sonic have breath that smells like pickles, onions, and genitals.

   Thank you, ladies. For shaving your pits, legs, bikini,and face. Thank you for makeup and clothes that shape you, and hold it all in. Thank you for face-lifts, tummy tucks, implants and lipo. Sincerely, Us Fake Men.

   Shoutout to the American voters for narrowing our options down to the jerk from 'The Apprentice' and the inspiration for 'House of Cards'

   Paul Manafort and Vladimir Putin walk into a Russian vodka bar. There's no joke. It's just business.

   What happens between a man and a McChicken should stay between that man and the McChicken....

   While we're all talking about it, can I suggest a Fish n Chip truck on every other corner?

   People playing Pokemon, Blink 182 having a hit song, a Clinton running for Pres., a Tarzan movie in theaters. Welcome to the 90s.

   Happy 18th birthday Google. You can officially go to a titty bar G ( . ) ( . ) G L E👍

   Doesn't matter who the public votes for president, it's up to the electoral college! get over it people

   Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love

   That cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️

   Please enjoy this security camera footage of me not robbing the bank! It was recorded first, so the other tape of me dynamiting the vault, twirling my mustache, and running out holding sacks with dollar signs on them must be ignored!

   Tom work hard. Tom tired. Tom need break. Tom book Caribbean vacation. Tom Cruise.

   I want to start a Go Fund Me account to sponsor any Coronavirus infectious people to pay them to go hug a politician

   BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away. MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

   America is so desperate for sports, we'd even settle for soccer.

   Alcohol can cause Depression..Particularly, when you run out of it