Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans

   I wish I was in a gang so I knew what do to with my hands in pictures.

   Why are all the women in my office walking funny today?

   Let's have a round of applause for the heroes that they think they can save all the cancer-ridden children by liking and sharing those Facebook statuses.

   I wish my nipples were half as sensitive as my FB friends.

   Seems like I can't go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.

   I got a message from facebook today.. saying my block list has exceeded my friends list. Congratulations this is a first. . .

   Job applications are stupid. "Why do you want to work for us?" Oh, I've always had a passion for frozen yogurt.....b*tch I'm broke!!

   Why do people in movies keep all their lights off when they hear a noise? I’d be lighting that place up like friggin’ Times Square.

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   My stupid camera won't stop ringing.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories

   Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.

   My neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants

   I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best

   Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.

   "Having too much sex can cause memory loss." I read it on page 37 in a medical journal on November, 2006 at 4:19 pm.

   BBQ rule: no drama goes on at my BBQ, if your'e in a fight with your mate don't come, if you just broke up and want to talk about it call a family member, BBQs are for FUN only

   Dear Employer, I have worked insane amounts of hours for you; shed blood; even went through a divorce because of you. Is it too much to ask for some decent toilet paper up in here?