Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to discuss my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up rash cream..........

   AOL has announced that they're going to lay off one-third of their employees. On the bright side, it's AOL, so they're going to do it slowly and with frequent interruptions.

   Would delete you, if I didnt have to keep the numbers up on my friends list, to impress my other friends.

   Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader

   I have decided that I am not overwieght, instead I am a nutritional overachiever.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

   Something went wrong. We're working on getting this fixed as soon as we can. You may be able to try again. <--- Facebook's new slogan

   The more you watch Maury the less your kids look like you.

   Are you single single or internet single?

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!

   love the scoring system on storage wars..lets see...a broken tricycle, thats $200, used tupperware...$600......

   One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.

   When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.

   Steven Tyler looks like a zombie crawling out of a drag queen's hamper.

   The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.

   boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   Dont go broke trying to look RICH....act your wage!