Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg “just wants to be friends.”

   A report says that 15% of Americans admit to cheating on their taxes. Probably because the other 85% don't have an income anymore.

   Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.

   Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.

   All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.

   My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.

   My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom

   Still waiting on the United States to hold concerts for money to donate to Alabama and those affected in the horrible tornados. We do it for everyone else for any other reason right?

   if you don't like someone on facebook, there's this awesome block button. it saves a lot of drama.

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   My stupid camera won't stop ringing.

   My neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants

   I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best

   Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories

   Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.