Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good thing scientists were WRONG about the ozone huh?

   Progressive Rock: A musical genre which requires an inordinate amount of time and skill to write, rehearse, record and perform, only to bore 90% of all music fans to tears.

   Earth is a beautiful planet. However, it's the disproportionate number of its horrible 7.5 billion inhabitants that were responsible for it receiving only 1 star on Intergalactic Yelp.

   I was planning to have my teeth polished but decided to get a tan instead.

   It took my decades to sleep soundly knowing that rhythm will not in fact get me, tonight or any night

   Do you listen to Rap music? If so, who’s your favorite Rapist?

   Does anyone really ever listen to the wedding march melody? Dumb dumb de dumb ...... Dumb dumb de dumb.

   doesn't the U.S. have missiles that can reach North Korea? #testthem

   Unprotected sex is like using a credit card, enjoy now and pay later.

   At some point we will have to sit down and discuss Kenny Loggins

   How can fish get high? With seaweed.

   For every women that has rejected me . I'm going to give them chocolate covered Tide pods for Valentine's day

   My plumber said that the weird noise coming out of my shower is me crying.

   One driverless car killed a pedestrian today. Meanwhile, 73 human drivers killed pedestrians today...

   easier to get into than a community college!

   Well folks.. Did you pray about the election? If you believe in god, there you have it. God loves Democrats more.

   Kanye West has a pair of $90,000 shoes and he still can't figure out why people hate him.

   Why does Obama give his speeches behind bulletproof glass? Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody/

   a mystery you'll never solve

   save a horse, ride a chupacabra