Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A jealous woman does better research than the FBI....

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it.

   There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.

   Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

   Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady!!!

   My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.

   Nothing brings 2 people together faster than the hatred of a 3rd person

   I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.

   I liked you better before we met.

   My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.

   It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them!!!

   Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome?" she got all angry like I'd ruined the surprise.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   First that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.

   I hate it when people repost statuses. By the way, I'm gathering rocks to throw at you.

   Guy's and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pisses as hard as he can on the poop stains.