Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In horror movies, why does everyone reach for the doorknob in super slow motion? It not like the killer behind the door won't notice.

   Alcohol and calculas dont mix. Never drink and derive.

   Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.

   Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.

   I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.

   Your girl is either gonna want to sit on your face or punch you in the face. No in between

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.

   A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”

   always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.

   Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.

   Yesterday, accompanied my wife to the Louis Vuitton showroom and was shocked to find that..My salary was printed on a shoe !!

   It's September...if you're Birthday is this month your parents started the new year with a bang...

   There's an easy way to convert your sofa into a sofabed...... Forget the wife's birthday.

   My last real fight was with a pizza box that wouldn't close.

   I’m, like, 3 showers and an intervention away from getting my life together.

   Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.

   Halloween isn't the only day people have trouble desiding what to be.

   heading down to Fraggle Rock.....

   When your a standup comedian your not going to make everyone laugh. When your up there on stage half the audience should be laughing, and half the audience should be horrified.