Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was young I kept asking myself what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I know the answer: I want to be young.

   If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN

   If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches

   Maybe someone should tell Bowflex we don't want our living room smelling like a gym.

   The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.

   My birthday is 9 months after my dad's. You learn to live with it.

   The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues

   All I'm saying is grape juice is just underachieving wine.

   I got so high ,I had to turn down the TV because I couldn't taste my Macaroni and Cheese .

   I do not want to go bungee jumping. I came in this world because rubber broke, I don't want you to go out the same way.

   I wish I was cool enough to post pictures of my food on Facebook

   Always wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.

   Finally told my parents they’re gay.

   Consider this Diem Carped.....

   The number 867-5309 has been disconnected .

   If people always gave up when the chances got slim, we wouldn't have heroes...or progress...or a 4 minute mile....

   I'm almost certain that any one of us born between 1975-1983 could potentially be one of Burt Reynolds children.

   I'll do anything for my fans here except produce quality work.

   The three men who carried out Tuesday’s deadly attack on Istanbul’s Ataturk airport were all from parts of the former USSR, Turkish sources say.

   5 Word Eulogy: He loved texting and driving.