Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

   Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.

   I'm in a book store and a liberal clerk helped me. I asked for the new Trump book on his immigration policy. She said, "F-you! Get out and stay out! I go, "Yes, that's it, do you have it in paperback?"

   I wish there was a place I could go to collect all the wonderful things people are giving up for Lent.

   Don't be so serious. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me...I'll laugh at you."

   I argue with myself sometime because I know for a fact that I'll win

   I would much rather regret something I did, then something I was too afraid to do...

   With all these people "checking in" at every place they go to, I'm thinking Facebook is a probation officer as well as a social networking site.

   Dont you hate when you lying to somebody and someone else come out of nowhere like "oh yeah, I heard about that"..... lol.... NO you didnt, cause I made it up!!!

   i bet Bin Laden regrets allowing his iPhone app to 'use current location'...

   According to ABC news the mission to assassinate Osama Bin Laden was carried out by a unit so secret their existence cannot be verified....THE A-TEAM IS BACK!

   Really don't understand why everytime I open my t.v. dinner there has to be corn frozen in my brownie :/

   Superbowl: the only time in a year that you tell people to be quiet because a commercial is on.

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.

   I remember when making a mix tape for your girlfriend was the perfect Valentine's gift.

   If Facebook goes out of business, we should all exchange phone numbers and mailing addresses.

   when work feels overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday....

   If you watch 127 hours backwards it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

   I had to sell my halo to Cash4Gold, So I blame the economy for my attitude....

   I used to think that there was this huge difference between Clowns and Mimes. But actually they all scream the same kinds of things at you when you spray them with Pepper Spray.