Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're a hacker… here's my password ●●●●●●●●●●●●●

   A tooth allegedly belonging to John Lennon is being put up for auction… you know times are bad when the Tooth-fairy needs cash...

   Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   (on facebook) Friend 1: ugh, I feel so crap I hate my life. Friend 2: aww babe whats wrong??. Friend 1: inbox? Friend 2: yeah okay. Rest of us: well f*ck you then.

   The porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll.

   You know things must've gotten serious when you see a gold hoop earring laying in the Walmart parking lot.

   I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has :/

   I wish every relationship I was in had a money back guarantee or at least a 30 day free trial

   it's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   .....So people wanna live in "Avatar" world...wtf? Have they not seen "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory"?

   Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

   Try this, the next time your friend is drunk, switch his/her mom's number with their girlfriend/boyfriend's...

   because I have a life. because its been proven that facebook is time consuming and useless. I have to log off............. I'll be back in 30 min.

   If you're on the show "16 and Pregnant" you have a pretty good chance of being on the follow-up show "32 and a Grandmother"

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into a bank yelling “It's my Money and I want it now!” Thanks a lot J.G Wentworth

   From what I can tell, a Boomerang is just a Frisbee for people who don't have any friends...

   Why does my phone insist on reminding me my battery is dying, wasting even more of my battery!