Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure the devil and the angel on my shoulders are secretly f**king.

   "Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.

   so many disposable cameras

   1) You'll get mauled. 2) You'll get gored. 3) You'll get eaten. The “reasons” why you can’t have a bear, a bison, or a wolf.

   Seven billion other people on the planet. Congrats on yet another day without having your genitals collide with any of em.

   Question: What part of this $7.50 Walmart t-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?

   What's that electral dysfunction commercial that says "Call a doctor if you have a painful election lasting more than four hours"?...who do you call if it lasts a whole year? Oh wait it wasn't an election...oops never mind ;)

   For Halloween I'm wearing a big mirror on the lower half of my body and going as when you accidentally open your front-facing camera.

   This pumpkin patch better have a vintage tractor for us to take pictures on. I'm very serious about this.

   If you're curious about how cool I was in high school just know that I can do several tricks with a yo-yo.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone is the best Halloween party idea ever!!!

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs.

   I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures

   "The force is strong with this one". Me on the toilet.

   Anyone look in the mirror and it looks like you have hail damage on the back of your thighs . Asking for a friend.

   A federal budget that doesnt hurt the middle class? ? ? Well sign me up 3 times, even though I'm not registered democrate.

   I licked gayray's valuables in a Chicago Home Depot. They were having a half off wood sale so he fit right in

   Your small talk is beginning to make my eye twitch.

   The quality of the villain is so important to me in a movie

   Ever pee in the middle of the night with seat cover down.. 1st for everything :' D