Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Checked with my Sperm Bank to see my deposit was getting any interest..sadly they said Zero.

   I haven't thought about murder enough lately.

   I just want to point out that you won't find one bed or bath at Bed Bath and Beyond so they better come up with something spectacular for that last part

   Netflix at 625am this morning :*bursts through door while I’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

   Sex with me was once described as, "Not entirely unpleasant if you're a little drunk and have a pretty good imagination."

   Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.

   Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?

   I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.

   By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

   You cant be a Nurse 4 Halloween n have STD's, pick something else, like a Prescription!!

   Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

   McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

   Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

   Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite? Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

   ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.

   If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

   Alexa chk my bank balance n tell wich Apple product I can afford..Alexa:Apple juice

   The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult. The migraine that follows.

   So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave. How’s your day

   it’s funny how guys like being called daddy until the pregnancy test is positive