Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I seem pretty put together for a grown man who imagines he's traveling through a wormhole each time he pulls a turtleneck over his head.

   Beer, because no good story ever started with a salad .

   Just found out that my girlfriend is really BAD at cooking .... She just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   “Robots are taking all the good jobs,” I mutter as the Amazon drone delivering my Robocop 3 DVD crashes into my house and bursts into flame

   In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law

   Long story short, those aren't my pantaloons.

   Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.

   Ivm not leaving a will.. My final act will be leaving one more thing my family can fight about.

   If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.

   This morning, a busty woman in an elevator tried to confront me. I was standing near the elevator operator, she kept starring at me and later said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards

   Please don’t suggest a product to me that’s not available at Walmart.

   My last exam was a bigger failure than FOX's show, Son of Zorn.

   If you want me to remember your baby's name then you will have to call him Buddy.

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville

   idk why the amazon CEO doesn't cal l himself the "Amazon Prime Minister"

   Today I ended a long relationship. Yeah.....I’m okay, I'm not really upset or anything though, it wasn't even mine.

   Scotty, don't beam me up yet. I am taking a dump.

   What is the Difference between secretary and personal secretary? Secretary says: Good morning sir! Personal secretary says: Oh my God! Its morning sir

   I went to ninja school once but the teacher never showed up

   I'm at the point of my life where if aliens come, they wont need to abduct me, I'll gladly go with them